London commuters are generally an unhappy lot and with the majority of Suburban Chimp-ites commuting to work via public transport, (we have day jobs too you know) we are a long suffering lot who have to put up with a fairly tired public transport system. Lets not get started on the tube system just yet, God knows there is plenty of stuff to complain about there, mixed in with some good service but instead lets focus on the South Eastern service from Hastings to London Charing Cross. Ok, first up the service is pretty decent on the whole, but a few tweaks could be made to make it EVEN better. Not all the tweaks are aimed directly at South Eastern so the title of this blog article, Open Letter to South Eastern probably should have an addendum placed on the end. Something like: Open Letter to South Eastern & the numpties who put too many train on the railway system (you know who you are).
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OK, I said it. The main gripe is how long it takes to get a train into Charing Cross and out of Charing Cross past the infamous London Bridge station. As I type this we are sitting just outside London Bridge (again) waiting for ‘something’ to happen. Apparently there is congestion in the London Bridge area. The thing is, it should come as no surprise to rail companies, because every day there are delays due to congestion in the London Bridge area. In fact I have a suspicion that they pencil these delays into the time table to make their performance look better and not have to pay a 5% discount on season tickets (because of delays). Surely this can’t be that hard to sort out. I don’t really care about the technicalities of it, but it should be made a PRIORITY.
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Secondly, specifically to South Eastern, after 6pm and before some god awful time in the morning, like 7am why does my train HAVE to stop at Tonbridge the poor neighbour of Royal Tunbridge Wells. As far as I can work out, only Chavs appear to get on the station at Tonbridge. On the way home if there is anyone drunk, shouting, playing silly beggars, playing their music on their mobile phones for all to hear, it’s people who get on at Tonbridge. So I would prefer the Hastings and Ore service to skip this little detour as it does on some of the peak period trains. If we don’t need to stop then, we don’t need to stop at all. May as well include Sevenoaks and Orpington here as well. Thanks very much.
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Next, on a packed commuter train when someone comes on board with a big suitcase and then proceeds to walk up and down the entire length of the train barging into people’s elbows, waking up people who are sleeping in the morning wouldn’t you think we would prefer them not to get on the train at all… what happened if this went on EVERY SINGLE day? You’d be annoyed right? Then why do South Eastern persist in dragging the bloody buffet cart though the train in this fashion? It’s irritating. This is a call to bring back the Buffet Carriage. We used to like those, not these annoying trolleys.
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Next, I can’t stand listening to people chat on their mobile phones. Thank heavens for the ‘silent carriage’ that can be found on many trains around the UK. Short tempered idiots like me can then hide in the silent carriage, safe in the knowledge that I do not have to put up with NOISE POLUTION for other moronic individuals on their mobile phones. And what is wrong with these particular imbeciles who always have the most banal and dull conversations and broadcast them on the train. THESE ARE THE MOST INANE PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. Right now, a dullard woman is sitting in front of me and has had five or six calls while I type this. What a boring insufferable wench. I hope she dies from head cancer caused by her mobile phone. I REALLY DO. I’m not kidding. This is live commentary, and we’ve stopped at the dreaded Tonbridge. The noisy wench has left the train, phone glued to her ear and someone shouting has got on. Need any more evidence, lets ditch Tonbridge. Right where were we, silent carriages. Why oh why oh why can’t you implement silent carriages South Eastern.
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Also, why do people always have to flop down and bounce about in their train seats? What the fuck is wrong with these tards?
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What else is wrong with the South Eastern service to and from Hastings and Ore. Oh, I know. It’s the five minute wait at Royal Tunbridge Wells for the train to attach/detach (depending on direction of travel) carriages. This takes a good five minutes. That 25 minutes a week, that’s about two hours a month I have to spend looking at Tunbridge Wells station longer than I have to. It’s annoying and unnecessary. I reckon, if we stopped this annoying practice, spurned Tonbridge and sped up the journey through London Bridge we could save 15 minutes on my commute and that is a lot of time that is being stolen from me. Downside I suppose is that I would have less time to rant about it.

So Sian Berry, the London Mayoral candidate for the Green Party, as reported in the London Paper on the 24th of May (yesterday), when asked how she’d travelled to work on that particular day stated that she had an appointment that she had to go to, so shared a taxi with four other people as a full taxi is as efficient as a two thirds empty bus. You’ve got to love that statement from someone who is supposed to be a role model for all green Londoners.
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If Sian hadn’t already realised the bus would have already been going as it runs to a set timetable so the additional emissions of a taxi journey DO cost the environment dearly. Sian may have well said that travelling to work in a diesel 4×4 is as harmful to the environment as a two thirds empty bus. We may as all trade in our Oyster cards now, after all the tube is hot and smelly, busses are inconsistent and there are two many kids on there travelling for free who threaten and abuse other passengers, play music on their mobile phones for all to hear and create a general nuisance.
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If everyone took the decision to drive to work or take a taxi when ever it takes their fancy then buses will remain two thirds empty and inefficient. The whole goal is to engage with the general public and convince them that public transport is a viable option for them to travel on. The do as I say, but not as I do attitude really isn’t the best way to convince people to take a bus. You have to admit, and it beggars belief in reality, that both Red Ken and Boris Johnson appear to be more ‘eco-friendly’ based on their transport choices. Ken takes the tube and Boris is an strong advocate of cycling. Couldn’t Sian have cycled, or even walked to her meeting? Maybe this was a one of instance and we shouldn’t judge her harshly for one taxi ride, but her comments sounded like uninformed bluster to us at Suburban Chimp and we are wholly unimpressed and cannot back Sian for London Mayor, she should be making EXTRA effort to be green.
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Isn’t it boring when you think about doing the right think and you can’t justify it because the world seems to be totally against you? OK, not the entire world, but just the train system in the UK in this case. My mother was looking to travel to Wales to visit some relative on short notice, (a funeral) and she was quoted over £140 for the trip. Now, if you book in advance you can get the tickets cheaper, but that’s not really the point is it? If we in the UK are actively trying to get people to take public transport instead of jumping in the car then we need to be trying a lot harder and making public transport cheaper. Put it in perspective, my mother can hire a car for about £60, stick a tank full of petrol in it for £40 and still have £40 left over. Not only that, the car is quicker. Two, to three hours instead of the four (there are a few changes on the train journey). Remind me again, what’s the incentive to take the train, if it is slow, expensive and no doubt over crowded. Now, let’s presume I want to travel to Wales with my mother. That’s double. The car hire costs do not double though, do they? Let us also just presume I decide to take my car. Service costs and wear and tear aside, a tank of gas for two from empty is £40, the train for two is pushing £300. Hardly good value. I could probably fly to New York for that. This just reeks of silliness and greediness.